It's my favorite time of year. We visited a new-to-us pumpkin patch over the weekend, and our kids loved it! They rode ponies for the first time, played in corn, fed donkeys, and checked out the pumpkin patch.
After the pumpkin patch, we went to a Halloween party and spent time with our closest friends. Our kids roasted their first marshmallows to make s'mores and loved decorating pumpkins.
I love making memories with our kids and friends. It seems I always say time is passing by so quickly. I can hardly believe Lily is almost 5, and Owen will be 8 shortly after. They're all growing up so fast and amaze me with what they say and do and the way they approach every day with joy and excitement.
They are looking forward to a weekend of Halloween parties and pumpkin carving followed by dressing up to trick-or-treat on Halloween next week. I'll post pics of them in their costumes afterward. They are super cute!!
Seven years ago, I sat in a speech-language pathology diagnostic evaluation room with the most precious family. They had eight children, including two through adoption. I was waiting to bring Owen home from Russia, and I shared with the sweet mother Valerie just how much I wanted to be a mother and how we were adopting. She shared her adoption story with me and also shared that she had TEN babies in Heaven. I got tears in my eyes as I knew the pain of losing THREE babies but couldn't imagine the heartache of going through miscarriage 10 times.
Well, three adoptions and one biological preemie baby later, I know what ten miscarriages feels like. It's been over a year since our last baby went to Heaven, but I never forget.
I Will Never Forget
I will never forget the joy in that first positive pregnancy test.
I will never forget telling my husband he was going to be a Daddy.
I will never forget surprising our parents for the first time.
I will never forget that first doctor's appointment, seeing our baby for the first time.
I will never forget how giddy I was to be in the pregnancy club, walking out of the office full of pregnant women with my husband by my side, carrying our pamphlets about pregnancy and what to expect.
I will never forget that second appointment when I heard those three words that pierced my heart like never before, "I'm so sorry."
I'll never forget the tears in my doctor's eyes.
I'll never forget walking out of the office, through the room full of glowing pregnant mothers, sobbing with mascara running down my cheeks.
I'll never forget the brokenness, the way my heart physically ached for months and months.
I'll never forget that feeling of failure, the feeling that I should be able to carry a baby, that women were born for this, but yet my body didn't work.
I will never forget the anxiety that came with the next positive pregnancy tests, the way the joy of pregnancy was gone forever.
I will never forget crying out to God, "Why, Lord? Why? Why can't I have the thing I want more than anything in the world? What is your Will for me?"
I will never forget letting go, placing it all in God's hands.
I will never forget the day Bennett was born and the 200 days of "He could still die" in the NICU that followed.
I will never forget the babies that came to the NICU and never went home.
I will never forget watching a mother clinging to her baby, crying over him for hours, not ready to let him go.
I will never forget leaving the hospital with Bennett, carrying him out with his oxygen tank and heart and oxygen monitors, feeling guilt and sadness for the mother whose baby's crib was across from our Bennett but wouldn't survive.
I will never forget all of the women I've walked with through this pain and loss.
Someday we will hold our babies in Heaven, and until then, we will never forget.
There are many parents in this world who have babies in Heaven, some who never held their children and others who held their children and then had to say goodbye. This month is the month we raise awareness and remember the babies who aren't here on earth with us. If you know someone who has lost a baby or child, take a moment let them know you love them and are sorry for their loss. The pain is real, and we never forget.
Tonight during dinner, my four year old little boy said, "Mommy, I cried for you." I asked him when he cried for me, and he said, "When I was a baby waiting for you to come, I cried for you." He got tears in his eyes and so did I. Then he said, "But I was okay because Jesus took care of me." I paused as I was taken aback, and then I told him with tears welling up, "He sure did." I am so thankful He truly did.
Tonight after dinner, as Lily was going upstairs to get ready for bed, she stopped. She turned around and looked at me and said, "Mommy, I really think we need to bring another little baby home. We need to go to Korea and bring home another baby to take care of in our family, like another Lily Soojung. I want to name her Lily Soojung Jasmine Aurora Belle Cinderella." I said, "Are you asking if we can adopt another baby from Korea to be your little sister?" She said, "Yes! And when I grow up, I'm going to adopt ten babies from Korea." I LOVE my Lily Soojung.
Seeing a piece of paper floating in the wind outside this morning,
Lily said, "Mommy, what's that?"
I said, "It's probably a piece of paper someone dropped, and the wind blew it away."
My 4 year old Lily replied, "I know what it is Mommy. There's somebody who doesn't have a family, and she wrote a note to her Mommy and let it go in the wind so she would come find her and be her Mommy."
My four year old little boy has gotten camera shy so I probably won't get this on camera, but he has started singing with me at bedtime and is so cute trying to remember all the words, and I can tell he really feels the songs. It's so precious.
Tonight he was singing the song "Awesome God" and he sang it,
"Our God is an awesome GUY. He reigns from heaven above, with wisdom, power, and love. Our God is an awesome GUY."
Then he asked me to "sing the song again about what a great guy God is."
After an afternoon at the splash pad, baths, and pizza and a movie in the living room floor, my two 4 year olds asked me to rock them to sleep last night. I always rock Bennett, but I rarely rock my older kids anymore so it was so sweet holding them as they fell asleep. I was glad Jim was here to get a pic for me. I love sweet moments like these with my babies.
I cannot believe it has been four years since I helped his birthmother bring him into the world, cut his cord, and cried happy tears at the sight of this beautiful baby boy that Jim and I hoped to call our own. We didn't get to take him home from the hospital, and we weren't sure for a long time after we did bring him home that we would get to adopt him, but God knew he was meant to be ours. He placed us in his birthmother's life at the perfect time, allowed her and her family to parent him for a while, and then brought him to us forever. He is so creative, smart, funny, and snuggly. He loves to laugh, make up songs, and build things, and he loves all vehicles and construction, playing outside, making up stories, drawing and doing his "schoolwork," eating fruit and sausage balls, and is a big Mommy's boy. I know he has a big future ahead of him! I am so thankful to be his Mommy.
"By adopting a child and helping them reach their potential, they help us reach ours. An adopted child is not an unwanted child; to the contrary. They are a child who was searched for, prayed for, cried for, begged for; received by arms that ached, making empty hearts full. Love is meant to be shared."Author unknown
Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting. Mother Teresa
"As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust God with the impossible.”--Ruth Bell Graham
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